Time to Admit Facts

Had I stayed in israel, this post would NEVER have been written.

While there, I had felt so horrified of "what people might say", that I kept such matters, as those related to what I am about to confess here, under tight covers of extreme secrecy, NEVER discussing them, even in a hint, with ANYONE.

In israel, you always must appear strong, even brutal, when engaging at any sort of political activism - and when entering the talkback-war (an inflamation battle of brutality and hatred between the different social, religious and political camps in israel, which take place at the comment section under any newspaper article and news announcement online) - and, as I did always have political aspirations (I had wished to become a knesset member ever since I was 9!), I knew that I must NEVER appear to be in any need of a psychological help of any kind, lest all the online bullies at those comments might, somehow, find out about it = and tear me apart with their cruel and vicious words.

As such is the political game in israel: wild, super-vicious, and extremely lowdown. You must be willing, to punch each other with the meanest, cruelest words at those comments, and bite as hard as possible into each other - or you shall lose the fight. And absolutely no weakness is allowed, ever.

However, I am no longer in israel, and (except for random, brief visits in the far future, when the israelis shall become Peace Loving and civilized...) will not be coming back. My political aspirations, thus, no longer exist. So, I finally am able, to break Free and admit such weaknesses, AT LAST.

I have OCD. This means that random negative, or degrading thoughts, normally passing through the brain, disappearing and forgotten in an instant, just never go out, but do instead keep bouncing to and fro inside my head, tormenting me for years and years, inflating and - on extreme cases (mostly occurring between 2012 to 2015 - hardly ever from 2017 on... well, at least until two months ago...) - practically paralizing me, causing me to crash down to bed, begging them to stop...

I had mostly got it under control, but...

Then {poland} happened.

I am unable to write, about... I mean - that refugee place -

THE WORST EVENT OF MY LIFE - NOT anything physical happened, but - the knowledge, that - of what those monsters, BOTH {poles} and (afghan?) refugees alike... the clear knowledge, declared by them, of exactly what they shall do to me

I RAN AWAY FROM THERE, INTO THE SNOWY NIGHT, WITH NO MONEY AND NOWHERE TO GO TO, FOR A REASON.

I want to be truthful and Honest: against ANY vile person in that country, who hurt me, there was IMMEDIATELY found an Angel, who helped me. That nation is NOT "all bad"...

However... this night

I had a nightmare - I cannot write, nor speak of it yet.

Once my situation in Belarus is stabilized, I shall seek psychological help (I trust the people of Belarus; I do not trust the psychologists in israel). I need a treatment... since, Emotionally speaking, I am on my last leg here.

I shall allow myself to appear weak.